depression...
we hear about it all the time we read about teenage statistics and common ailments found in the people of our generation. the way i look at it, depression is a lot like marijuana..its a beginner emotion. It starts you off on many other emotions and defense mechanisms like anger. i personally suffer from chronic depression, and let me tell you, its something i fight with everyday. for those of you who know me better than most, i am a suicide attempt survivor. meaning......there was a reason why i didnt die october 31, 2004. theres a reason why i am still alive. there is a reason for me being in the place where i am right now. i might not have all the answers, i might feel unsure about life, and might feel scared of the unknown, but i have to trust, to believe, that somehow someway i am being taken care of.
im not trying to force religion on anyone. i personally believe religion is dead and church has been taken out of its original purpose. i believe in a constant relationship with God, but thats my cup of tea, it doesnt have to be yours. looking for the meaning of life, higher purpose, is something we always search for, but let me tell you you're not gonna find it anywhere. im an expert runner. i run to things i know wont give me what i need, but will only numb the pain in the moment. but somehow i am so stubborn i keep running. theres a good thing, GOD, waiting me for with His arms open waiting for me to just embrace him and his love, and i keep running away. why do i like the darkness? why do i like the cold and hard places hwere i never find peace? why is it that i feel more at home in frustration and confusion than in happiness and joy? do i really feel that unworthy of true happiness? what the crap is wrong with me?
so as i lay writhing in pain, wishing i cud feel the burn of the sauce or the sting on the blade, i chose to not run. but stay completely still. im not running to him yet, but im getting ready to.
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