Brain Spillage #37: grateful

recently, i had the pleasure of celebrating my 22nd birthday. birthdays have always been crazy

for me, especially from the year 2003 on. every birthday that comes along reminds me that i have stayed strong for a whole year and that despite daily challenges, i am still alive.

back in 2003, when i was this kid:

you probably can't tell from this picture but back in 2003 i was a 14 year old little emo kid with naturally red hair. i was awkward and didnt quite fit in. i hated rap and didnt rock air force ones. i wore beanies, eyeliner, converse and skinny jeans before they were a fashion trend. i was dealing with my mom having cancer and going through intense chemotherapy. i was also dealing with having a sister addicted to meth. and dealing with the fact that my parents neglected to do anything after me being diagnosed with major/clinical depression 3 years prior. i was sad, angry, depressed, and i felt totally alone. Halloween of that year i tried to end my life. everything i was dealing with was too much for a kid to handle, especially when i felt like no one understood what i was going through. lucky for me, i have the best father in the world who called 9-11 and got me to a hospital before any real damage was done. for the months that followed it was nothing but pain. all the time. i could take the religious route and tell you that God saved my life and i found comfort in religion, but i would be lying to you. music and art really were my main lifesaver during those first couple of months. i started listening to bands like Flyleaf, who had lyrics like :

"When i said 'good morning' i was lying. i was truly thinking of how could i quit waking up. he pointed out how selfish it would be to kill myself, so i keep waking up" ("Much Like Falling")

"Here i stand, empty hands. wishing my wrists were bleeding to stop the pain from the beatings...but who are you? you are the truth. outscreaming these lies. you are the truth. saving my life." ("Red Sam")

for once i felt like someone understood. someone understood what it felt like to be consumed with sadness and somehow pull out of it and keep living. the more i looked into it, the more i found musicians and bands that had dealt with and survived suicide. it inspired me. with art i was able to take out my anger and frustration on paper, clay, or canvas instead of myself. and it gave me a sense of pride to create something beautiful our of an ugly glob of dirt.

in the midst of all that, i found love and realized that love, whether from family, friends, God, or whatever other higher power you believe in, can change a persons life. real unconditional love that looks pasts our obvious and hidden flaws and loves the soul that resides inside of all of us.

so now, at 22, i reflect back at my life and i am grateful. the most important thing to most people my age is getting wasted, making friends, being popular, and having a significant other. maybe those would be mine too if i didnt have to make a conscious effort everyday to not give into the disease i was dealt with and try to live as normally as possible. some days are harder than others. but i deal, i move forward, i become successful. and let me tell you, some days i literally just want to jump in front of a bus because the dark is too intense, but i guess thats what happens when your brain cant level out and transmit normal levels of serotonin, norepinephrine, and dopamine. (yes, depression is more than just feeling sad!)

take some time today to be grateful. i dont know your story, what you have been through, or what motivates you to get up in the morning everyday. alls im saying is take a minute to say thank you to those who have showed you kindness, love, and support throughout your life. no one makes it through life alone. i dont know why i felt the need to share my story, but it feels good for me to share it with you guys. it makes me feel like i am a step closer to accepting who i was and the person i am now becoming.

and back to birthdays, the year i turned 17, everyone forgot. LOL

A.A.K.