drinking diet coke
watching 30 rock
texting one of the most interesting people i know
wearing comfy pjs
and no socks
in the dark
with no one else home badgering me
heaven, i have found you.
A.A.K.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Brain Spillage #27: NOT YOU TOO!!
as you all know i had my first therapy session tonight.
DISASTER!
first, my therapist was about 10000000000 years old. second, she was MEAN! i mean, i felt like she didnt take one word i said seriously. it was a little hurtful. third, she lectured me for about 30 minutes on how i should exercise everyday and that will help my CLINICAL DEPRESSION. what a boob. thanks lady, my depression is not caused by my apparent severe obesity.
i guess its back to searching, searching, searching for another psychiatrist. URGH
A.A.K.
Brain Spillage #26: ew.
so i have henceforth decided that i will try and update my blog everyday. have this be kind of like my online journal of sorts. of course, i will keep certain people anonymous as i don't want to ruin their great reputations. its funny the things you find out about people when they think they love you. hah!
anyways, i was on my way to school this morning, which is about a 45 minute drive, and i decided that i was having a bad hair day. i knew this was going to basically ruin my day and it would be the only thing i was really focusing on. so i turned around and started to drive back home. i took a shower and started to put my make up on. i walk into the living room and see my mom there look as confused as ever. she says so me "i thought u left like 30 minutes ago" i responded telling her something along the lines of "you are crazy. ive been here the whole time you old loon!" god, shes funny.
but now, i am in a bigger predicament. i dont know what to do with my hair, and i have about 28 minutes to decide as i have to get going in order to make my next class. ahhhhh! sometimes i wish my hair would just be awesome all the time..like Freakazoid's hair or like that evil dude from the incredibles. sure, i would look like a troll, but so what. it would have me a ton of money on hair ties and bobby pins. oh, the elusive bobby pin. i swear a buy a pack of those every week and they always disappear. oh man. i must finish this before i keep going on another rant. BLEH!
doing better today. first therapy session at 7. fingers crossed for some Wellbutrin.
A.A.K.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Brain Spillage #25: We are NOT off to a good start..
it has been a long time since i have written a blog. To be honest, its simply because i have had way too much going on. as the title of this blog shows, 2011 is not off to a good start. of course, this is expected when you are trying to balance too many things at one time. ugh. I canNOT wait for all this to be over.
for starters, two..TWO of my exes who i thought were my friends have decided to loathe me. ok, well, not exactly. to paraphrase, it went something like "Hey, im basically too good for you because you are a devil worshipper and kind of a wierdo so dont talk to me anymore. k? thnks!" ok, maybe it wasnt that intense, but it was close. needless to say, i think it's ironic that they decide to spring this on me now, now when they have decided to "serve God." isn't part of being a Christian helping those you know are in trouble? i guess not. but oh well, i am better off.
second, this whole chemical imbalance thing is really starting to get out of hand. i constantly find myself having to talk myself out of doing dumb things. its exhausting.
third, i am under a tremendous amount of pressure. trying to finish school, write a 50 page paper, trying to find a new job, trying to deal without meds, trying to not throw myself unto incoming traffic, trying to make my parents proud...its all too much. i don't know what i am going to do yet. but i need to do something.
thank you to everyone who heard about what happened this weekend and texted/called to see if i was alright. thank you all. i am lucky to have you in my life. special thanks to those 2 wonderful women who saved my life. you know who you are.
this post has been a little gloomy. but that is how i feel today. on the bright side, i was asked to be someone's bridesmaid. it made me smile. let's hope my seratonin starts to balance itself out. tomorrow is a new day.
A.A.K.
for starters, two..TWO of my exes who i thought were my friends have decided to loathe me. ok, well, not exactly. to paraphrase, it went something like "Hey, im basically too good for you because you are a devil worshipper and kind of a wierdo so dont talk to me anymore. k? thnks!" ok, maybe it wasnt that intense, but it was close. needless to say, i think it's ironic that they decide to spring this on me now, now when they have decided to "serve God." isn't part of being a Christian helping those you know are in trouble? i guess not. but oh well, i am better off.
second, this whole chemical imbalance thing is really starting to get out of hand. i constantly find myself having to talk myself out of doing dumb things. its exhausting.
third, i am under a tremendous amount of pressure. trying to finish school, write a 50 page paper, trying to find a new job, trying to deal without meds, trying to not throw myself unto incoming traffic, trying to make my parents proud...its all too much. i don't know what i am going to do yet. but i need to do something.
thank you to everyone who heard about what happened this weekend and texted/called to see if i was alright. thank you all. i am lucky to have you in my life. special thanks to those 2 wonderful women who saved my life. you know who you are.
this post has been a little gloomy. but that is how i feel today. on the bright side, i was asked to be someone's bridesmaid. it made me smile. let's hope my seratonin starts to balance itself out. tomorrow is a new day.
A.A.K.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Brain Spillage #23: OVERfreakinLOAD!!!
As you all know, I am a very busy college student trying to get my butt to graduation..ON TIME..in an effort to be out of school and do whatever the crap i want!!!! Now, up until this point, its been pretty smooth sailing, with the exception of minor drama and minor occasions where i REALLY wanted to punch someone in the face. But now, the middle of the first semester of my LAST year in undergrad, the SHEEET HAS HIT THE FAN!
let me explain:
in my laziness, i have managed to put off all my "senior stuff" until my actual senior year. what does this mean...the 60 hour internship i have to have done during the summer, the 25 page senior thesis and presentation, getting A's in all my classes...HAVE NOT BEEN DONE YET! I am realizing i have about a semester and a half to complete everything. stress? major.
60 hours? internship? lets tackle this one first. its the easiest to do bc its flexible. i can basically go whenever i want. so i went today to sign up, do the background check, and now i will be strating on Wednesday. there goes another 5 hours away i could be sleeping.
Thesis? lets not even go there. i have NO IDEA what is going on with that and am in no way, shape, or form ready to tackle that beast.
those aside, i also have a full courseload to finish this semester and next semester. not to mention the ONLY classes i need to graduate ARE NOT BEING OFFERRED NEXT SEMESTER!!!! what the heck do i do? i mean, im working my butt off to get the hell out of this hell hole and out into my own life (LA? Spain? the Moon" Who cares?!). totally ruining my life. but we will see what happens wwith this.
now i have told u all about my wonderful job where i get to help people and yadadadada...now..its a nightmare! my fellow intern finished his time and im all alone! and with christmastime coming up its is busy busy BUSY!!! why does everyone have to be needy??? LOL, just kidding
but now...i have another job..and a location i wish to not disclose as you will all stock me and wanna see my awesome self in action. BUT, this job is a pain in my arse and i literally am doing it just for the money. so this is what me week looks like now.....(read that sentence again, but like a pirate!)
Monday:
10-230: School
3-6: Internship
(mind you, these are both about a 50 minute drive away from my house!)
Tuesday:
8-5: Job 1
630-1030: Job 2
Wednesday:
10-230: School
3-5: Internship
5-7: School
Thursday:
8-5: Job 1
630-1030: Job 2
Friday:
8-5: Job 1
630-1030: Job 2
Saturday:
5-1030: Job 2
Sunday:
5-1030
basically, i dont even have spare time to take a comfortable dump! i dont know what i am going to do with myself. i might as well start taking up donations for my funeral. no hoes allowed. urgh.
college sucks when you're not living off your parent's money.
A.A.K.
let me explain:
in my laziness, i have managed to put off all my "senior stuff" until my actual senior year. what does this mean...the 60 hour internship i have to have done during the summer, the 25 page senior thesis and presentation, getting A's in all my classes...HAVE NOT BEEN DONE YET! I am realizing i have about a semester and a half to complete everything. stress? major.
60 hours? internship? lets tackle this one first. its the easiest to do bc its flexible. i can basically go whenever i want. so i went today to sign up, do the background check, and now i will be strating on Wednesday. there goes another 5 hours away i could be sleeping.
Thesis? lets not even go there. i have NO IDEA what is going on with that and am in no way, shape, or form ready to tackle that beast.
those aside, i also have a full courseload to finish this semester and next semester. not to mention the ONLY classes i need to graduate ARE NOT BEING OFFERRED NEXT SEMESTER!!!! what the heck do i do? i mean, im working my butt off to get the hell out of this hell hole and out into my own life (LA? Spain? the Moon" Who cares?!). totally ruining my life. but we will see what happens wwith this.
now i have told u all about my wonderful job where i get to help people and yadadadada...now..its a nightmare! my fellow intern finished his time and im all alone! and with christmastime coming up its is busy busy BUSY!!! why does everyone have to be needy??? LOL, just kidding
but now...i have another job..and a location i wish to not disclose as you will all stock me and wanna see my awesome self in action. BUT, this job is a pain in my arse and i literally am doing it just for the money. so this is what me week looks like now.....(read that sentence again, but like a pirate!)
Monday:
10-230: School
3-6: Internship
(mind you, these are both about a 50 minute drive away from my house!)
Tuesday:
8-5: Job 1
630-1030: Job 2
Wednesday:
10-230: School
3-5: Internship
5-7: School
Thursday:
8-5: Job 1
630-1030: Job 2
Friday:
8-5: Job 1
630-1030: Job 2
Saturday:
5-1030: Job 2
Sunday:
5-1030
basically, i dont even have spare time to take a comfortable dump! i dont know what i am going to do with myself. i might as well start taking up donations for my funeral. no hoes allowed. urgh.
college sucks when you're not living off your parent's money.
A.A.K.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Brain Spillage #22: GGARGHH!! Ow!
well, once again i haven't written a blog in what seems like forever, but i have been frickin busy. i always say that. then again, we all remember what happens when i am not busy (hence brain spillage #19). Let me give a bit of an update...
1. SCHOOL SUCKS! i have major senioritis and i have already missed the allowed amount of absences in each of my classes. i am DOOMED! not to mention, financial aid hasn't come thru yet, therefore i am BROKE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, i still have not touched my senior thesis or started my internship. i am literally THE worst student i know. i hope i graduate on time.
2. WORK SUCKS!!!! you know how annoying it is to put together costumes for little kids who dont specify what the crap they want? Needless to say, there is some congruency here since at work i have also, done nothing. Not to mention me and my fellow co-worker might be laid off because the county might not be able to afford our salaries anymore. BOO!!
3. LIFE SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am emotionally drained! i got into a tiff with my best friend and sister in the same day. Then i have about a $500 bill to pay for my car to fix the stupid window that wont go down and the stupid A/C that leaks into my car. THEN...my roots are growing out and my dumb red hair is becoming visible to the world! i swear i am going to jump off a cliff! and on top of everything......IM HUNGRY!
On the plus side, I am still alive and kickin, and sexy! LOL. and i have 5 new piercings! and i got them all in one day! PRETTY INSANE! props to Julian Ganesha at Red Wave Tattoo and Piercing in Fresno. He pretty much rocks my world and is the only person i will trust to put holes in my body!
in conclusion, if you give a mouse a cookie.....he is going to make u regret living your life!
A.A.K.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Brain Spillage #21: Are you serious??
oh my goodness....
life has been DULL for the past couple of weeks..pretty much getting used to my new job, getting used to a new school year, and getting used to feeling the looming pressure of both my senior internship and my senior thesis, which i have not touched since the spring.
I am honestly starting to freak out a bit. i mean, you start your freshmen year of college ready for the world, to meet new people, not even thinking of what its really gonna take for you to get the diploma in your hand that proves you have endured 4 years of hell in order to be qualified to work at the same job you do now, but at a higher rate. Im telling you, college is such a pain in my nalgas! Lucky for me, ive gotten my whole undergrad basically paid for and even bought a car with extra money leftover from my scholarships (having a 4.0 has its benefits!). but now i am up against Bowzer, the big daddy, and apocolyse that is keeping me from further pursuing my career and travels........my frickin senior thesis.
now, i am lucky enough to attend a small private school...and by small i mean tiny...and by tiny i mean microscopic! why is this lucky? well, everyone knows everyone, and the teachers are super cool about helping and whatnot (some you have to bribe with cookies..). i am sooooo stoked to be done with my undergrad education, mostly because no one thought i would make it, much less from a private school thats paying for everything. and i wanna get outta here. ive lived here my WHOLE life, and i need a different scene......L.A. is looking good....but so is Barcelona....hmmmmm....
in the midst of all this stress....i find out that my bestest friend in the world is basically leaving me to go to school back home..............................3 HOURS AWAY! now, im not the type of person to get attached to people easily..i know people come and go all the time and its natural. but now my BEST FRIEND, the only one i have really had is leaving me! woe to me! i will miss her so! but...i must let her go so she can pursue her dreams (and her man) and hopefully in about 2 years we will both be sipping on margaritas down at the Santa Monica Pier....or in Spain...WHO KNOWS!
so, while i have been going nuts and running around like a lunatic trying to juggle everything going on in my life...HE appears. no, not Jesus....but MICKEY ROURKE! now i know everyone likes to hate on him because of his botched plastic surgeries, but i am IN LOVE! and i dont mean "oh yeah hes a good actor" love, i mean "OMG! i cant stop crying because his character died in The Wrestler and I imagined what it would be like if he was really dead" love. yeah, i know. im insane. thats what happens when there are LITERALLY NO MEN around these parts worth my time. (if you havent watched the wrestler, i suggest you do, its so goooooood! plus, u get to see Mickeys tush! LOL).
and while in my head are detailed fantasies of what i would say to Mickey if i ever met him, i must get back to reality, which today includes trying to define the parameters of my experiment for my senior thesis (which will turn into sitting in front of the TV and watching 9 1/2 weeks starring..u guessed it..mickey rourke and later The Jersey Shore)
if you are ever in the blockbuster at sequoia station in redwood city, tell Eric he is awesome. hes setting aside all Mickey Rourke movies for me!
A.A.K.
life has been DULL for the past couple of weeks..pretty much getting used to my new job, getting used to a new school year, and getting used to feeling the looming pressure of both my senior internship and my senior thesis, which i have not touched since the spring.
I am honestly starting to freak out a bit. i mean, you start your freshmen year of college ready for the world, to meet new people, not even thinking of what its really gonna take for you to get the diploma in your hand that proves you have endured 4 years of hell in order to be qualified to work at the same job you do now, but at a higher rate. Im telling you, college is such a pain in my nalgas! Lucky for me, ive gotten my whole undergrad basically paid for and even bought a car with extra money leftover from my scholarships (having a 4.0 has its benefits!). but now i am up against Bowzer, the big daddy, and apocolyse that is keeping me from further pursuing my career and travels........my frickin senior thesis.
now, i am lucky enough to attend a small private school...and by small i mean tiny...and by tiny i mean microscopic! why is this lucky? well, everyone knows everyone, and the teachers are super cool about helping and whatnot (some you have to bribe with cookies..). i am sooooo stoked to be done with my undergrad education, mostly because no one thought i would make it, much less from a private school thats paying for everything. and i wanna get outta here. ive lived here my WHOLE life, and i need a different scene......L.A. is looking good....but so is Barcelona....hmmmmm....
in the midst of all this stress....i find out that my bestest friend in the world is basically leaving me to go to school back home..............................3 HOURS AWAY! now, im not the type of person to get attached to people easily..i know people come and go all the time and its natural. but now my BEST FRIEND, the only one i have really had is leaving me! woe to me! i will miss her so! but...i must let her go so she can pursue her dreams (and her man) and hopefully in about 2 years we will both be sipping on margaritas down at the Santa Monica Pier....or in Spain...WHO KNOWS!
so, while i have been going nuts and running around like a lunatic trying to juggle everything going on in my life...HE appears. no, not Jesus....but MICKEY ROURKE! now i know everyone likes to hate on him because of his botched plastic surgeries, but i am IN LOVE! and i dont mean "oh yeah hes a good actor" love, i mean "OMG! i cant stop crying because his character died in The Wrestler and I imagined what it would be like if he was really dead" love. yeah, i know. im insane. thats what happens when there are LITERALLY NO MEN around these parts worth my time. (if you havent watched the wrestler, i suggest you do, its so goooooood! plus, u get to see Mickeys tush! LOL).
and while in my head are detailed fantasies of what i would say to Mickey if i ever met him, i must get back to reality, which today includes trying to define the parameters of my experiment for my senior thesis (which will turn into sitting in front of the TV and watching 9 1/2 weeks starring..u guessed it..mickey rourke and later The Jersey Shore)
if you are ever in the blockbuster at sequoia station in redwood city, tell Eric he is awesome. hes setting aside all Mickey Rourke movies for me!
A.A.K.
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